7
things never to
say to anyone,
and why
By Dr. George
Thompson,
Founder of the
Verbal Judo
Institute
Safety lies in
knowledge. If
you deal with
cagey street
people, or
indeed difficult
people at all,
anywhere, you
need to watch
your tongue! The
"cocked tongue"
can be more
lethal than the
9 millimeter or
the 45.
In part one of
this special
two-part series
for
PoliceOne.com,
I'll share the
first four of a
total of seven
commonly used
statements that
can work against
you.
1. "HEY YOU!
COME HERE!"
Consider, you
are on patrol
and you see
someone
suspicious you
want to talk
with, so you
most naturally
say, "Hey you!
Come here!"
Verbal Judo
teaches that
"natural
language is
disastrous!" and
this provides a
wonderful
example. You
have just warned
the subject that
he is in
trouble. "Come
here" means to
you, "Over here,
you are under my
authority." But
to the subject
it means, "Go
away-quickly!"
The words are
not tactical for
they have
provided a
warning and
possibly
precipitated a
chase that would
not have been
necessary had
you, instead,
walked casually
in his direction
and once close
said, "Excuse
me. Could I chat
with
momentarily?"
Notice this
question is
polite,
professional,
and calm.
Also notice, you
have gotten in
close, in his
"space" though
not his "face,"
and now you are
too close for
him to back off,
giving you a
ration of verbal
trouble, as
could have
easily been the
case with the
"Hey you! Come
here!" opening.
The ancient
samurai knew
never to let an
opponent pick
the place of
battle for then
the sun would
always be in
your eyes! "Come
here" is loose,
lazy, and
ineffective
language. Easy,
but wrong.
Tactically, "May
I chat with you"
is far better,
for not only
have you picked
the place to
talk, but
anything the
subject says,
other than yes
or no-the
question you
asked-provides
you with
intelligence
regarding his
emotional and/or
mental state.
Let him start
any 'dance' of
resistance.
Point: Polite
civility can be
a weapon of
immense power!
2. "CALM
DOWN!"
Consider this
verbal blunder.
You approach
some angry folks
and you most
naturally say,
"Hey, calm
down!" This
command never
works, so why do
we always use
it? Because it
flows naturally
from our lips!
What's wrong
with it? One,
the phrase is a
criticism of
their behavior
and suggests
that they have
no legitimate
right to be
upset! Hence,
rather than
reassuring them
that things will
improve, which
should be your
goal, you have
created a new
problem! Not
only is there
the matter they
were upset about
to begin with,
but now they
need to defend
their reaction
to you! Double
the trouble!
Better, put on a
calming face and
demeanor-in
Verbal Judo we
say, 'Chameleon
up'-look the
person in the
eye and say,
gently, "It's
going to be all
right. Talk to
me. What's the
matter?" The
phrase "What's
the matter?'
softens the
person up to
talk and calm
down; where
'Calm down'
hardens the
resistance. The
choice is yours!
3. "I'M NOT
GOING TO TELL
YOU AGAIN!"
We teach in
Verbal Judo that
'repetition is
weakness on the
streets!' and
you and I both
know that this
phrase is almost
always a lie.
You will say it
again, and
possibly again
and again!
Parents do it
all the time
with their kids,
and street cops
do it with
resistant
subjects, all
the time! The
phrase is, of
course, a
threat, and
voicing it
leaves you only
one viable
option-action!
If you are not
prepared to act,
or cannot at the
time, you lose
credibility, and
with the loss of
creditability
comes the loss
of power and
safety!
Even if you are
prepared to act,
you have warned
the subject that
you are about to
do so and
forewarned is
forearmed!
Another tactical
blunder! Like
the rattlesnake
you have made
noise, and noise
can get you hurt
or killed.
Better to be
more like the
cobra and strike
when least
suspected!
If you want to
stress the
seriousness of
your words, say
something like,
'Listen, it's
important that
you get this
point, so pay
close attention
to what I'm
about to tell
you.'
If you have used
Verbal Judo's
Five Steps of
Persuasion you
know that we act
after asking our
"nicest, most
polite
question,"
"Sir, is there
anything I could
say that would
get you to do A,
B and C? I'd
like to think
so?"
If the answer is
NO, we act while
the subject is
still talking!
We do not
telegraph our
actions nor
threaten people,
but we do act
when verbal
persuasion
fails.
4. "BE MORE
REASONABLE!"
Telling people
"be more
reasonable" has
many of the same
problems as
"Calm Down!"
Everyone thinks
h/she is plenty
reasonable given
the present
circumstances! I
never have had
anyone run up to
me and say,
"Hey, I know I'm
stupid and
wrong, but
here's what I
think!" although
I have been
confronted by
stupid and wrong
people! You only
invite conflict
when you tell
people to "be
more
reasonable!"
Instead, make
people more
reasonable by
the way in which
you handle them,
tactically! Use
the language of
reassurance-"Let
me see if I
understand your
position," and
then
paraphrase-another
VJ tactic!-back
to them their
meaning, as you
see it, in your
words! Using
your words will
calm them and
make them more
reasonable
because your
words will (or
better be!) more
professional and
less emotional.
This approach
absorbs the
other's tension
and makes him
feel your
support. Now you
can help them
think more
logically and
less
destructively,
without making
the insulting
charge implied
in your
statement, "Be
more
reasonable!"
Again, tactics
over natural
reaction!
Next: 3 more
statements to
avoid!
Now, I'll
share three
more…
5.
"BECAUSE THOSE
ARE THE RULES"
(or "THAT'S THE
LAW!")
If ever there
was a phrase
that irritates
people and makes
you look weak,
this is it!
If you are
enforcing
rules/laws that
exist for good
reason, don't be
afraid to
explain that!
Your audience
may not agree
with or like it,
but at least
they have been
honored with an
explanation.
Note, a true
sign of REspect
is to tell
people why, and
telling people
why generates
voluntary
compliance.
Indeed, we know
that at least
70% of resistant
or difficult
people will do
what you want
them to do if
you will just
tell them why!
When you tell
people why, you
establish a
ground to stand
on, and one for
them as well!
Your declaration
of why defines
the limits of
the issue at
hand, defines
your real
authority, but
also gives the
other good
reason for
complying, not
just because you
said so!
Tactically,
telling people
why gets your
ego out of it
and put in its
place a solid,
professional
reason for
action.
Even at home,
if all you can
do is repeat,
"those are the
rules," you
sound and look
weak because you
apparently
cannot support
your
order/request
with logic or
good reason.
Indeed, if you
can put rules or
policies into
context and
explain how the
rules or
policies are
good for
everyone, you
not only help
people
understand, you
help them save
face. Hence, you
are much more
likely to
generate
voluntary
compliance,
which is your
goal!
6. "WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM?"
This snotty,
useless phrase
turns the
problem back on
the person
needing
assistance. It
signals this is
a
"you-versus-me"
battle rather
than an "us"
discussion. The
typical reaction
is, "It's not my
problem. You're
the problem!"
The problem
with the word
problem is that
it makes people
feel deficient
or even
helpless. It can
even transport
people back to
grade school
where they felt
misunderstood
and underrated.
Nobody likes to
admit h/she has
a problem.
That's a
weakness! When
asked, "what's
your problem?"
the other
already feels a
failure. So the
immediate
natural reaction
is, "I don't
have one, you
do!" which is a
reaction that
now hides a real
need for help.
Substitute
tactical phrases
designed to
soften and open
someone up, like
"What's the
matter?", "How
can I help?", or
"I can see
you're upset,
let me suggest .
. . ."
Remember, as
an officer of
peace, it is
your business to
find ways to
gather good
intel and to
help those in
need, not to
pass judgments
7. "WHAT
DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO ABOUT IT?"
A great
cop-out (no
pun…)! This
pseudo-question,
always
accompanied by
sarcasm, is
clearly an
evasion of
responsibility
and a clear sign
of a lack of
creativity! The
phrase really
reveals the
speaker's
exasperation and
lack of
knowledge. Often
heard from
untrained sales
clerks and young
officers tasked
with figuring
out how to help
someone when the
rules are not
clear.
When you say,
"What do you
want me to do
about it?" you
can count on two
problems: the
one you started
with and the one
you just created
by appearing to
duck
responsibility.
Instead,
tactically offer
to help sort out
the problem and
work toward a
solution. If it
truly is not in
your area of
responsibility,
point the
subject to the
right department
or persons that
might be able to
solve the
problem.
If you are
unable or
unqualified to
assist and you
haven't a clue
as to how to
help the person,
apologize. Such
an apology
almost always
gains you an
ally, one you
may need at same
later date. Beat
cops need to
remember it is
important to
"develop a pair
of eyes"
(contacts) every
time they
interact with
the public. Had
the officer said
to the
complainant, for
example, "I'm
sorry, I really
do not know what
to recommend,
but I wish I
did, I'd like to
help you," and
coupled that
statement with a
concerned tone
of voice and a
face of concern,
he would have
gone a long way
toward making
that person more
malleable and
compliant for
the police later
down the road.
Remember,
insult
strengthens
resistance and
shuts the eyes.
Civility weakens
resistance and
opens the eyes!
It's tactical
to be nice!
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